Woody Allen
Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.
Woody AllenIf you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
Woody AllenI don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
Woody AllenEternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
Woody AllenInterestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought -- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
Woody AllenIn my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
Woody AllenThe lion and the calf will lay down together, but the calf won't get much sleep.
Woody AllenI do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Woody AllenMoney is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Woody AllenIt's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody AllenTo love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then, one suffers from notloving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy, one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.
Woody AllenDeath is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
Woody AllenIf it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.
Woody AllenTo you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
Woody AllenI don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.
Woody AllenLife is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
Woody AllenBisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Woody AllenThe food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.
Woody AllenThe government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5'7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.
Woody AllenWhen I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Woody AllenThe talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.
Woody AllenYou can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
Woody AllenHow is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?
Woody AllenI took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
Woody AllenMy luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
Woody Allen
