Steven Wright

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.

Steven Wright

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

Steven Wright

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Steven Wright

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

Steven Wright

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

Steven Wright

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."

Steven Wright

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Steven Wright

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

Steven Wright

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

Steven Wright

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

Steven Wright

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

Steven Wright

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious!

Steven Wright

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

Steven Wright

They say the sun never sets over the British Empire, but it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

Steven Wright

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Steven Wright

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

Steven Wright

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

Steven Wright

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, 'Do I know you?'

Steven Wright

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.

Steven Wright

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

Steven Wright

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

Steven Wright

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

Steven Wright

Steven Wright

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious!

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

They say the sun never sets over the British Empire, but it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, 'Do I know you?'

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.