Rita Rudner

Rita Rudner (born September 17, 1956) is an American comedian and writer.
Found 24 thoughts of Rita Rudner

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Rita Rudner

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

Rita Rudner

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.

Rita Rudner

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

Rita Rudner

My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.

Rita Rudner

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

Rita Rudner

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love, though I'd stepped in it a few times.

Rita Rudner

I like men who wear earrings. They've bought jewelry and they've experienced pain.

Rita Rudner

My mother buried three husbands ... and two of them were only napping.

Rita Rudner

The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.

Rita Rudner

To attract men, I wear a perfume called ``New Car Interior.''

Rita Rudner

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.

Rita Rudner

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.

Rita Rudner

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Rita Rudner

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

Rita Rudner

Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?

Rita Rudner

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

Rita Rudner

Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before.

Rita Rudner

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

Rita Rudner

When I meet a man I ask myself, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'

Rita Rudner

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

Rita Rudner

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

Rita Rudner

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

Rita Rudner

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.

Rita Rudner