Joan Rivers

Joan Rivers (born 1933-06-08) is an American comedian, talk show host, businesswoman, and celebrity.
Found 26 thoughts of Joan Rivers

I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't make it through one door, I'll go through another door - or I'll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.

Joan Rivers

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.

Joan Rivers

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

Joan Rivers

My best birth control now is to leave the lights on.

Joan Rivers

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

Joan Rivers

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

Joan Rivers

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.

Joan Rivers

Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.

Joan Rivers

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

Joan Rivers

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.

Joan Rivers

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Joan Rivers

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

Joan Rivers

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

Joan Rivers

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

Joan Rivers

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

Joan Rivers

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

Joan Rivers

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

Joan Rivers

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, "Get the hell off my property."

Joan Rivers

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

Joan Rivers

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

Joan Rivers

I caused my husband's heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial.

Joan Rivers

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

Joan Rivers

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

Joan Rivers

Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.

Joan Rivers

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.

Joan Rivers
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