Dave Barry
Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.
Dave BarryAnother possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth and fresher breath.
Dave BarryThus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.
Dave BarryI think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if people in all 50 states wanted him to.
Dave BarryElectricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.
Dave BarryAlthough golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
Dave BarryAll other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow.
Dave BarryI can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
Dave BarryWhat I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
Dave BarryThe most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
Dave BarryThe only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes.
Dave BarryKarate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
Dave Barry1996 also saw a huge expansion of the Internet, with many major corporations, afraid of being left behind, spending hundreds of millions of dollars to develop World Wide Web sites in a frantic scramble to reach the vast new consumer market of Web users. Apparently nobody has told the corporations that 93 percent of these users are in sixth grade.
Dave BarryYou can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
Dave BarryScientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 feet per second, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter.
Dave BarryIt was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money.
Dave BarryIt is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.
Dave BarryThe Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.
Dave BarryAmerican consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.
Dave BarryThe word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.
Dave BarryIn 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps.
Dave BarryLife is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
Dave BarryI believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.
Dave BarryIf God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.
Dave BarryIn fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid.
Dave Barry
