Ambrose Bierce
Ambrose Bierce American satirist, critic, short story writer, editor and journalist. He is perhaps most famous for his serialized mock lexicon, The Devil's Dictionary, in which, over the years, he scathed American culture and accepted wisdom by pointing out alternate, more practical definitions for common words.
Found 442 thoughts of Ambrose Bierce
KING, n. A male person commonly known in America as a "crowned head," although he never wears a crown and has usually no head to speak of. A king, in times long, long gone by, Said to his lazy jester: "If I were you and you were I My moments merrily would fly -- Nor care nor grief to pester." "The reason, Sire, that you would thrive," The fool said -- "if you'll hear it -- Is that of all the fools alive Who own you for their sovereign, I've The most forgiving spirit." Oogum Bem
Ambrose Bierce
OUT-OF-DOORS, n. That part of one's environment upon which no government has been able to collect taxes. Chiefly useful to inspire poets. I climbed to the top of a mountain one day To see the sun setting in glory, And I thought, as I looked at his vanishing ray, Of a perfectly splendid story. 'Twas about an old man and the ass he bestrode Till the strength of the beast was o'ertested; Then the man would carry him miles on the road Till Neddy was pretty well rested. The moon rising solemnly over the crest Of the hills to the east of my station Displayed her broad disk to the darkening west Like a visible new creation. And I thought of a joke (and I laughed till I cried) Of an idle young woman who tarried About a church-door for a look at the bride, Although 'twas herself that was married. To poets all Nature is pregnant with grand Ideas -- with thought and emotion. I pity the dunces who don't understand The speech of earth, heaven and ocean. Stromboli Smith
Ambrose Bierce
PREJUDICE, n. A vagrant opinion without visible means of support.
Ambrose Bierce
Laziness. Unwarranted repose of manner in a person of low degree.
Ambrose Bierce
ROAD, n. A strip of land along which one may pass from where it is too tiresome to be to where it is futile to go. All roads, howsoe'er they diverge, lead to Rome, Whence, thank the good Lord, at least one leads back home. Borey the Bald
Ambrose Bierce
REPLICA, n. A reproduction of a work of art, by the artist that made the original. It is so called to distinguish it from a "copy," which is made by another artist. When the two are mae with equal skill the replica is the more valuable, for it is supposed to be more beautiful than it looks.
Ambrose Bierce
PATIENCE, n. A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.
Ambrose Bierce
DATARY, n. A high ecclesiastic official of the Roman Catholic Church, whose important function is to brand the Pope's bulls with the words _Datum Romae_. He enjoys a princely revenue and the friendship of God.
Ambrose Bierce
LEGACY, n. A gift from one who is legging it out of this vale of tears.
Ambrose Bierce
RASH, adj. Insensible to the value of our advice. "Now lay your bet with mine, nor let These gamblers take your cash." "Nay, this child makes no bet." "Great snakes! How can you be so rash?" Bootle P. Gish
Ambrose Bierce
DECALOGUE, n. A series of commandments, ten in number -- just enough to permit an intelligent selection for observance, but not enough to embarrass the choice. Following is the revised edition of the Decalogue, calculated for this meridian. Thou shalt no God but me adore: 'Twere too expensive to have more. No images nor idols make For Robert Ingersoll to break. Take not God's name in vain; select A time when it will have effect. Work not on Sabbath days at all, But go to see the teams play ball. Honor thy parents. That creates For life insurance lower rates. Kill not, abet not those who kill; Thou shalt not pay thy butcher's bill. Kiss not thy neighbor's wife, unless Thine own thy neighbor doth caress Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete Successfully in business. Cheat. Bear not false witness -- that is low -- But "hear 'tis rumored so and so." Cover thou naught that thou hast not By hook or crook, or somehow, got. G.J.
Ambrose Bierce
RECONSIDER, v. To seek a justification for a decision already made.
Ambrose Bierce
OBLIVION, n. The state or condition in which the wicked cease from struggling and the dreary are at rest. Fame's eternal dumping ground. Cold storage for high hopes. A place where ambitious authors meet their works without pride and their betters without envy. A dormitory without an alarm clock.
Ambrose Bierce
TROGLODYTE, n. Specifically, a cave-dweller of the paleolithic period, after the Tree and before the Flat. A famous community of troglodytes dwelt with David in the Cave of Adullam. The colony consisted of "every one that was in distress, and every one that was in debt, and every one that was discontented" -- in brief, all the Socialists of Judah.
Ambrose Bierce
INDIGESTION, n. A disease which the patient and his friends frequently mistake for deep religious conviction and concern for the salvation of mankind. As the simple Red Man of the western wild put it, with, it must be confessed, a certain force: "Plenty well, no pray; big bellyache, heap God."
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MONARCH, n. A person engaged in reigning. Formerly the monarch ruled, as the derivation of the word attests, and as many subjects have had occasion to learn. In Russia and the Orient the monarch has still a considerable influence in public affairs and in the disposition of the human head, but in western Europe political administration is mostly entrusted to his ministers, he being somewhat preoccupied with reflections relating to the status of his own head.
Ambrose Bierce
BRAHMA, n. He who created the Hindoos, who are preserved by Vishnu and destroyed by Siva -- a rather neater division of labor than is found among the deities of some other nations. The Abracadabranese, for example, are created by Sin, maintained by Theft and destroyed by Folly. The priests of Brahma, like those of Abracadabranese, are holy and learned men who are never naughty. O Brahma, thou rare old Divinity, First Person of the Hindoo Trinity, You sit there so calm and securely, With feet folded up so demurely -- You're the First Person Singular, surely. Polydore Smith
Ambrose Bierce
Painting: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic.
Ambrose Bierce
Consult: To seek approval for a course of action already decided upon.
Ambrose Bierce
ME, pro. The objectionable case of I. The personal pronoun in English has three cases, the dominative, the objectionable and the oppressive. Each is all three.
Ambrose Bierce
Experience, n. The wisdom that enables us to recognize as an undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced.
Ambrose Bierce
FELON, n. A person of greater enterprise than discretion, who in embracing an opportunity has formed an unfortunate attachment.
Ambrose Bierce
RACK, n. An argumentative implement formerly much used in persuading devotees of a false faith to embrace the living truth. As a call to the unconverted the rack never had any particular efficacy, and is now held in light popular esteem.
Ambrose Bierce
Meekness: Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth while.
Ambrose Bierce
